Thursday, March 15, 2007


My friend asked me about my London trip. Had to send a long mail. I decided to just copy and paste the stuff here..A.V.: dont be pissed..

Friday 9th Feb

My first trip outside the U.S. I left from Tucson Int'l airport. I had just scheduled my defense for the first week of March when everyone in my family decides that unless I come and meet them, they were going to disown me (given that I hadn't seen them in two and half years, a rather compelling case can be argued in their favour). With threats of disownment flying in hyperdimensional tetra-cuspidal hypocycloidal curves in the air and having a go at my joie de vivre in its solar plexus, I decided procrastination was no longer an option and started my journey across the Atlantic. Flight from Tucson to Chicago O'Hare was uneventful. Although, I did manage to walk into the ladies toilet in Tucson Int'l (yet again..that brings the grand total to...drum roll...three!. Yup..once in my University, once in MGM in Vegas (I was way too drunk to notice) and this (well no excuses really) ).. Thanks to Douglas Adams, I was doing fine. I was just getting warmed up for some alien sex-scenes with Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple breasted whore from Eroticon Six whose erogenous zone starts some four miles from her and Zaphod Beeblebrox when the flight attendent (double breasted unfortunately) announced that we would be landing soon. So I was in O'Hare.

All this while, I knew that I was going to be in a contraption that was going to have its engine running for 8 hours continuously while flying over water thats not exactly knee-deep. Now, I didn't think too much about this though because I had menial things like life, career and thesis to take care of. However, with the boarding for the international flight along with immigration looming just over my head, I was concerned. I mean, given that my family would sink in water faster than a ton of bricks, I had every reason to be scared! Anyways, once I got into the flight, I thought to myself,"Whats the worst that could happen to me..The engines of the plane could fail dropping you into the Atlantic in which case you make a beeline for the cutest flight attendent in the plane and die like a man. Honour to thee!". With these thoughts to comfort me, I slept like a baby in that Boeing 777.

Saturday 10th Feb
The Saturday I got home was fine. Everyone was happy to see me. It was on Sunday morning that all hell broke loose. My mum decided that a sense of balance is one of those things in life which are strictly optional. She said that either I cut my hair or quit my PhD program and start looking for work (WTF?!). She said,"If you are going to live life by cringing here and not presenting yourself well to others, you should start earning money instead of going for that PhD of yours". The initial polite "fuck-off"s of mine to my mother's suggestions gave way to a politer and more vociferous "okay" once I learnt that there were going to be a few more of those disownment trumps from their side. Even my sister-in-law's mute suggestions that I might keep my hair as long as it was neck-length were unceremoniously vetoed by the elder of the house who by this time was absolutely drunk with the power she had. And so there went my hair along with my brother's 19 pounds. Dash it all I say.

With all the stripping and whipping formalities having been concluded promptly and satisfactorily, we proceeded onto the other thing that we did like any other run-of-the-mill dysfunctional family, thats the constant bickering. Also, we roamed around whenever we had the chance. I roamed around Central London during the week when my brother and sister-in-law would go to work. I dragged along my mum with me on one of those days. Went and saw the usual places: Bond Street (the fashion place), Baker Street (221B the abode of one of the Gods), Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, Picadilly Circus, National Gallery, Museum of Natural History, Museum of Science and Technology, Downing Street, Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park..well thats pretty much it. Aah..I almost forgot, what about that huge fuck-off phallus-Big Ben and the Thames. But these were mostly uneventful. And before I forget, I will neuter any soul that talks about mad European sex. And I am pretty sure the rest of the world doesn't want to know about the only mad European sex I got. I am still a virgin. Need I say more. (In the off-chance you would like me to (wink wink!), call 1-900-SEXY-LADY. Standard rates apply!)

Also, I hogged like a pig that has just escaped from a weight-loss boot camp. Ate Katchhu (Chembu) fry, my favourite dish, after two and half years. Felt like heaven. And all this while, that smart little nephew of mine was cuter than ever. What with his "Shake-your-bottom" routine and ABCD's. I had fun with that kid.

Monday, 25th Feb
Flight back..well my family decided that they were going to embarrass me and came with me all the way till the check-in point where they decided that they were going to give me waves of "tata" along with flying kisses and more than a dash of "we-love-you"s and "we-miss-you"s sprinked in between. With about hundred people watching me and going,"Is he flying to O'Hare or leading a mission to Mars?", I was going red. Anyways, I got into the flight (And no, it doesn't make a difference which side of atlantic you are in. You are going to get the heebie jeebies if you are going to cross it) and got to Chicago O'Hare. Now this is the deal, I had to get through immigration, collect my baggage and go through customs, take the shuttle to the next terminal, check-in and board the flight. And this had to be done in two hours. Luckily for me, there was a snow-storm in Chicago and I was saved. Ended up waiting for an hour before the flight took off.

During this time, my PhD advisor for whom I am grading as well decided to give an exam. With 55 papers in my hands the day I landed, I got back into the groove. But then, some wise man said,"Life is a bitch..and then you die". So back to grad-life.

PS: I observed that the people on the other side of the Atlantic, blacks, whites, browns, Chinese , absolutely everyone has bigger noses. (actually it takes a little more than being on the other side of the Atlantic for the Chinese to have larger noses). I wonder why.

The defense was not too bad. It was on 3/6 Tuesday at 2. My boss asked me to meet with him on Monday afternoon. After going through my presentation, he gave me changes at 5:30 in the evening which took me till 9:00 in the night to finish. In one of my slides, I was dealing with some 50 objects and 9 steps of animation. Enough to drive a man crazy. That done, I went to the local convenience store and got grub for the committee members to chew on when listening to my defense. Thoughts of lacing it with some alcohol did cross my mind. That, however did not materialize. I was supposed to give a mock presentation at 10 in the morning on the day of the presentation. After going through my material slide by slide(thats euphemism for ass-rape), I was given changes at 11:15 which took me till 1:15 to finish. And what with this terrible cold that seemed to have crossed the Atlantic along with me, I was getting the shivers. But it did pass and I managed to give a talk which if not enlightening the world (meaning the 3 people other than my 5 committee members who wanted to attend my presentation), at least didn't make them leave the room more confused. So I am reasonably happy with my effort.

So at this point in time, I have crossed the atlantic a virgin (Virgin Atlantic hehe..) and have an M.S. degree. Now where is that 2 crore dowry of mine..Oh fuck I forgot, I am not a golt!

Anyways, may the spores be with you.

PS: In case you are wondering (and I know you are), Eccentrica Gallumbits doesn't have sex with Beeblebrox. At least not the way they would have had Irwing Wallace or Ken Follett written the book.


Blogger Swaps said...

Man! Really mother nature hasnt been very nice to you, has she?

Don't worry, the lab next door to mine has a very nice microscope if you desperately want to see that silver lining!

3:29 PM, July 31, 2008  

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